When I was seventeen and eighteen, I was a model. I wanted to go to New York City and eventually become an actor. The truth was, however, I was very insecure in my own skin. Insecurities are totally normal, but looking back, it’s probably a good thing I didn’t follow that “dream.” My soft heart, naive understanding of the world, and insecure mindset would have been a terrible combination in a cutthroat world like that.
Those are also qualities that are easily manipulated.
When I was writing The Messy Truth About Love, I went back to this girl when I started writing Hannah. Though Hannah isn’t me (she’s a fictional character), I thought about how insecurities informed the way I interacted with the world and was curious about how that might be true for Hannah. It made me wonder: What happened to Hannah? I had to dive into Hannah’s character’s past to truly understand her present and began to see the red flags of a young woman who’d suffered through an abusive relationship. A deep dive into kinds of behaviors people might experience and not necessarily identify as a red flag to potential abuse sparked my curiosity. One red flag was waved time and again: Love bombing.
What is Love Bombing? In a nutshell, it’s the extreme romantic attention offered quickly and intensely as a means to influence feelings and is often a tactic used by narcissists to control their partners.
Keep in mind, I am not a psychologist or a therapist. What I’m sharing with you is what I’ve learned as a writer through research (if you feel you might be in an abusive relationship, PLEASE GET HELP IMMEDIATELY). This is a scene I wrote for The Messy Truth About Love. It ended up on the cutting room floor in final edits due to pacing issues, here’s a part of it showcasing what love bombing might look like:
The trees flew past as if they were moving, rather than the car speeding down the highway on the way toward the Oregon coast. Sebastian had planned something special for our first Valentine’s Day celebration. It was technically our fourth date, but since our first coffee date, we’d spent at least some part of everyday together the last several weeks. He made it so hard not to be crazy about him.
As if he’d read my thoughts, he reached across the center console and took my hand in his. “I’m so glad you’re here with me,” he said and smiled. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m so excited for your surprise. To show you how much you mean to me.”
My heart tightened in my chest, and I squeezed his hand with mine. “Me too,” I said, offering a smile.
We rode in silence for another few miles. Sebastian sang along to the playlist he’d made. He’d titled it “Our first Valentine’s Day.”
“Do you think we’re moving too fast?” I asked.
It was only our fourth date, after all. We’d met for coffee the day after meeting in the library. I still got that warm glow remembering what he’d said, “that first time I saw you, Hannah. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to breathe again without talking to you.” I’d made a quip, and he smiled, his eyes twinkling, and said, “Good thing you talked to me.”
The second date had been to a rib place in Salem. We’d worn bibs and gotten messy faces, laughed, and talked about our lives. He’d shared about his crazy ex-girlfriend who had been ultra-controlling, and how that experience had shaped his struggle to put himself out there again. I’d shared with him that I’d never really had a boyfriend, a few near misses but several crushes, one I thought about from time to time. Sebastian had smiled and said, “lucky for me.” I kept my shame about the night my father died to myself. On that date, I’d reached out and used my thumb to clean off a spot of sauce near the corner of his mouth that he’d missed with his napkin. Sebastian’s eyes had met mine, and there was a shift between us toward something more physical. We shared our first kiss against his car before returning to his apartment to watch a movie. It was weak-kneed wonderful.
Our third date was to an art museum in Portland. We’d wandered the halls hand in hand, stopping to kiss. Sebastian snuck nips at my neck, wrapped me in his arms, held me tightly against him. “Hannah Fleming. You’ve got me all tied up in knots,” he’d said against my skin. After, as we walked back to the car, he’d pulled me into a floral shop and bought me as many bouquets of roses as I could hold. When we’d made it back to his car, he’d driven us to a park next to the river where we’d made out like teenagers, surrounded by roses. We talked about our dreams, and I walked in my apartment with him that night feeling as if it had been a dream.
Though this kind of attention can initially seem acceptable in the intensity of a “new relationship”, attempting to identify the giver’s motives is important to ascertain their sincerity. Love bombing can lead to more problematic and abusive behaviors like gaslighting and isolation, and isn’t the only time those in a relationship might experience it. Love bombing can also occur after explosive fights or abusive episodes when the abuser desires to “smooth over” their abuse by using effusive words and actions to manipulate a victim toward “forgiveness.” One of the quickest ways to identify whether you are the victim of Love Bombing is to ask yourself if you feel manipulated.
For example:
Your partner describes you in a manner that is flattering and seems to put you on a pedestal to “worship” you. The words they use might be exactly what you need to hear, speaking to you on a very emotional level.
The Love Bomber in this instance is manipulating the emotional connection with words but also setting up future “isolation” since no one can “live up” to you.
Your partner might offer you high praise and then in the next breath belittle you to “keep it real.”
The Love Bomber isn’t about you or the relationship but rather controlling you via your emotions. This will serve to manipulate and unbalance you, feeding into your insecurities to showcase how dedicated the Love Bomber is to you.
Your partner loves public displays of affection, with social media posts or showing you off because they are so “in love” or so “lucky” to be with you.
This elaborate display for a Love Bomber is the means to present the “perfect” romance giving them the attention they crave rather and building an authentic relationship with you.
Your partner showers you with grandiose gifts. We love receiving gifts, right? These gifts come with price tags.
A Love Bomber will use the gift as a means to showcase their devotion and remind you of what they have done for you. This will make you “feel bad” for all they have done which in turn keeps you locked in the relationship.
Your partner showers you with early “I love yous” and then withdraws the affection without cause.
Remember a Love Bomber is all about manipulating your emotions. Drawing you into an intensely emotional relationship and then “leave you hanging” is a classic means of manipulation.
Perhaps you recognize some of the above signs in your relationship, but you aren’t sure if you’re being manipulated? Here are some questions to ask yourself:
Ask yourself: Am I comfortable with this person’s attention or is it a “bit much”?
Remember that a true Love Bomb is a manipulation tactic. If the attention feels too big and self-serving (for the giver), it probably is. Trust your instincts.
Ask yourself: Am I afraid to confront my partner for fear of their reaction?
Your desire to keep the peace might be more connected to an abusive response by your partner who might berate you, gaslight you, or guilt you.
Ask yourself: Is my partner respecting my boundaries?
A partner who ignores your boundaries isn’t offering mutual respect. For example, perhaps you told your partner you are planning a night out with your friends. Your partner agrees but on the date of the event, begins to use emotional tactics to manipulate you to not go. Or maybe you’re out and your partner shows up to “crash”. These techniques exemplify crossing boundaries.
While I can’t say I know everything about this topic, (I don’t and I’m not a psychologist or therapist which is who I urge you to discuss your experiences with) I wanted to offer some bits I learned in my research. Here are some additional resources to guide you:
