I wrote about a theory I have about Imposter Syndrome on my SubStack today. I’m pretty proud of this one.
Here’s the Link:
June Read Along: In the Echo of this Ghost Town
Join me for the In the Echo of this Ghost Town read along on Instagram! Up for grabs is an exclusive book box:
Signed hardcover copy: In the Echo of this Ghost Town
paperback copy: When the Echo Answers
Book Merch
Other fun goodies.
New Post on SubStack tomorrow!
Getting ready for the April reread of The Messy Truth About Love. Here’s the scoop set to publish tomorrow:
Are you subscribed?
March Read Along: The Bone of Who We Are
And so the series comes full circle with Gabe’s story The Bones of Who We Are. I am reading this final installment of the Cantos Chronicles along with other readers on Instagram this month (you are welcome to join us!). Gabe’s story is a difficult one (check the trigger warnings).
Here’s the blurb:
Gabe Daniels always figured his DNA is flawed. One only has to look to his past to see it, and it's why he’s tried to hide it in new layers of his life: his new home, his adoptive parents, Seth, Abby. But darkness is always at his heels. With the impending death of his former best friend - a death for which he feels responsible - the depression, the broken relationships, the day-to-day struggle, and the monster trying to break out of him have left a debris field in his wake. Gabe decides the broken past that made him was always going to lead him down the road of no return. It is in his DNA, after all, in the biological parents who made him.
I’m putting together an exclusive The Bones of Who We Are book box for one participant who posts and tags me—one entry for every post. The recipient will be notified April 1 (and it won’t be an April Fool’s).
Here’s the schedule:
Join us!
February Read Along: The Ugly Truth
We’re reading The Ugly Truth in February. Join me on Instagram! Post for an entry into the end-of-month exclusive giveaway (be sure to take me there @cl.walters).
An AI artist version of Seth.
2024: Year of the Read Along
Join me in reading my books with me!
On Instagram, I’ll be reading along with readers this year. Here’s the year at a glance:
Join me on Instagram! We’ll start with Swimming Sideways in January.
Unhealthy Relationships and Romance Books
When I was 18 (this was in the early 1990’s), I was a small town girl living in a very conservative community where God, Family, and Country were the trifecta of life. Everyone had guns and used them for hunting season. It was commonplace to get married young—barely out of high school—to your high school sweetheart. All those beliefs perpetuated year after year. I say this to give you a frame of reference about my perspective at 18. I wanted to go to college, but I was the first one in my family to think about it. We didn’t have a lot of money or know-how about how to get there, but I did think: maybe there’s something else.
One thing I loved: reading.
We had one bookstore and a library. That’s where you could find me if I could find my way to either place.
As an adolescent, my favorite reads were romances. I started with the Sunfire Romances (long live the love triangle) and moved on to Sweet Valley High and Sweet Dreams books (oh the drama), and eventually I found my way to the adult romances reading Lavyrle Spencer and Judith McNaught (so that’s how sex works). I suspect that these readings shaped my belief system about my identity as it related to “romance” and relationships, though to be fair, I had an excellent model of a respectful relationship between my parents.
Like any adolescent, I was ready to test the waters of relationships, and that’s where things got skewed. My fundamentalist, church background—reinforced by my parents—insisted that I shouldn’t date until I was sixteen. When I did venture into the dating arena, I was given a “purity ring” to reinforce chastity (no sex until there was a “ring on it”, peeps) which also loaded on a heap of guilt when it came to experimentation. Finally, I had this “romanticized” version of what it meant to be in a relationship, and no clarity on what an unhealthy one looked like.
Fast forward to 2022.
I didn’t marry my high school sweetheart. I moved away from that small town. I did get to college by the skin of my teeth and graduated. I did marry my college sweetheart and have been a mother to two amazing kids. I got my masters, have worked with teens, and I still read.
Last year, I read the tiktok, booktok sensation Ugly Love by Colleen Hoover. It’s an entertaining book, and while I’m about to be critical of it; please know that this commentary isn’t a knock on the author or her ability to write a catchy book that draws a reader in. This is not that kind of criticism.
When I finished and set Ugly Love down, I walked away from it with my stomach in knots. At first I couldn’t figure out why. It’s about a young woman in her early twenties who’s starting over in a new place. She’s just gotten a job as a nurse and moves in with her brother as a stop-gap until she can find her own place. Living across the hall is her brother’s best friend. There’s a lot of sexual chemistry between them, and so they both consent to a relationship with “no strings.” Except, like most “sex-only” relationships, feelings happen. What ensues is a story highlighting an often unhealthy and manipulative relationship rooted in emotional bankruptcy and trauma. Like any romance read, it ends with the “happily-ever-after” but after reflecting on what had bothered me about it, I realized I had read a glorified version of “If I stick around, I can fix him”, and I felt so sad for 18-year-old me. Why? That girl would have taken the message to heart. I wouldn’t have been able to separate the “romanticized” ideals with reality, even knowing it was fiction.
Which then made me wonder: how many young women 18+ are reading books like Ugly Love (and believe me when I say there’s a lot of stories like this perpetuating a kind of “I can fix him” message) and taking to heart that message? Being set up to accept abusive behavior in a partner because it’s important to be “committed” or if she just “works harder”, then everything will turn out okay.
When I wrote The Stories Stars Tell, there was catharsis for me—the girl steeped in purity culture—to let go of those unhealthy messages about personal empowerment. I didn’t start the story knowing that was where it ended up. I didn’t start The Messy Truth About Love thinking that I would look at that unhealthy packaging of a relationship as “normal” and deconstruct it by reinforcing a healthy relationship. But that’s where it went.
And so that’s what I hope readers are able to take away from The Messy Truth About Love. Sometimes we don’t know we're in an unhealthy situation until we’re able to step out of it and look back as we walk away. And maybe, just maybe, The Messy Truth About Love will be the story someone needs to see their own situation or prevent one. I can hope.
Relationships: Isolation versus Autonomy
Storytime!
When I met my now husband, I wasn’t in the best mental space. I was a first-year college student who hadn’t left her hometown for a bunch of reasons, and ended up enrolled at her local college. A fortuitous convergence of events, really, because had it not worked out this way, I wouldn’t have met my guy. But that doesn’t mean it was smooth sailing. Nope. Both of us were willing to work through the junk in each of our individual lives (not always in pretty ways) to be together. But when we were younger and full of our insecurities, we weren’t always healthy in our approach to our own lives both on our own and together. My life became about him. His became about my adoration of him. While we didn’t display those red-flag tendencies (see graphic below), both of us potentially could have fallen into this trap.
Aging is a great perspective builder. Having been together for over twenty-five years, we aren’t the same two people we were in our early twenties (thank goodness). I’m happy to report that time, education, and experience has supported us to be a better version of a couple. A healthy one (see graphic). He’s pursuing his dreams and supports me in pursuing mine (and vice versa), both of us recognize the strengths each of us bring to the relationship to make us better as a couple.
In the Messy Truth About Love, Hannah and Seth had a crush on one another in high school but other than a make-out session, that’s as far as it went. Seth mentions that being with Hannah “was like climbing a mountain he didn’t have the tools to climb.” Having been the victim of child abuse, Seth has done work on himself with therapy when he and Hannah reconnect. He’s becoming a better version of himself with access to better tools. Hannah, however, is getting out of a relationship that unfolds waving red flags at the reader. In the story when Hannah and Seth reconnect as more self-aware people, they have to work through the individual spaces in their own experiences and figure out what that looks like as a couple. It isn’t always pretty.
The Messy Truth About Love was a difficult book to write for the very reason it takes the reader into uncomfortable places in unhealthy relationships. One of the common bits of feedback I have gotten, however, is how important the story is to share. How many people who have read it mentioned they have identified in some way with the journey and wished they’d had something like this book to help them through the confusion. It isn’t a preachy book, but hopefully it’s one that provides perspective that each person has value in and of themselves beyond any relationship that they might be using to define them.
The Messy Truth About Love is available for preorder and signed copies can be purchased up to September 6. It publishes on September 6, 2022.
Me at 18… In hindsight, I wonder why I was so insecure.
Unhealthy Relationships: The Love Bomb
When I was seventeen and eighteen, I was a model. I wanted to go to New York City and eventually become an actor. The truth was, however, I was very insecure in my own skin. Insecurities are totally normal, but looking back, it’s probably a good thing I didn’t follow that “dream.” My soft heart, naive understanding of the world, and insecure mindset would have been a terrible combination in a cutthroat world like that.
Those are also qualities that are easily manipulated.
When I was writing The Messy Truth About Love, I went back to this girl when I started writing Hannah. Though Hannah isn’t me (she’s a fictional character), I thought about how insecurities informed the way I interacted with the world and was curious about how that might be true for Hannah. It made me wonder: What happened to Hannah? I had to dive into Hannah’s character’s past to truly understand her present and began to see the red flags of a young woman who’d suffered through an abusive relationship. A deep dive into kinds of behaviors people might experience and not necessarily identify as a red flag to potential abuse sparked my curiosity. One red flag was waved time and again: Love bombing.
What is Love Bombing? In a nutshell, it’s the extreme romantic attention offered quickly and intensely as a means to influence feelings and is often a tactic used by narcissists to control their partners.
Keep in mind, I am not a psychologist or a therapist. What I’m sharing with you is what I’ve learned as a writer through research (if you feel you might be in an abusive relationship, PLEASE GET HELP IMMEDIATELY). This is a scene I wrote for The Messy Truth About Love. It ended up on the cutting room floor in final edits due to pacing issues, here’s a part of it showcasing what love bombing might look like:
The trees flew past as if they were moving, rather than the car speeding down the highway on the way toward the Oregon coast. Sebastian had planned something special for our first Valentine’s Day celebration. It was technically our fourth date, but since our first coffee date, we’d spent at least some part of everyday together the last several weeks. He made it so hard not to be crazy about him.
As if he’d read my thoughts, he reached across the center console and took my hand in his. “I’m so glad you’re here with me,” he said and smiled. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m so excited for your surprise. To show you how much you mean to me.”
My heart tightened in my chest, and I squeezed his hand with mine. “Me too,” I said, offering a smile.
We rode in silence for another few miles. Sebastian sang along to the playlist he’d made. He’d titled it “Our first Valentine’s Day.”
“Do you think we’re moving too fast?” I asked.
It was only our fourth date, after all. We’d met for coffee the day after meeting in the library. I still got that warm glow remembering what he’d said, “that first time I saw you, Hannah. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to breathe again without talking to you.” I’d made a quip, and he smiled, his eyes twinkling, and said, “Good thing you talked to me.”
The second date had been to a rib place in Salem. We’d worn bibs and gotten messy faces, laughed, and talked about our lives. He’d shared about his crazy ex-girlfriend who had been ultra-controlling, and how that experience had shaped his struggle to put himself out there again. I’d shared with him that I’d never really had a boyfriend, a few near misses but several crushes, one I thought about from time to time. Sebastian had smiled and said, “lucky for me.” I kept my shame about the night my father died to myself. On that date, I’d reached out and used my thumb to clean off a spot of sauce near the corner of his mouth that he’d missed with his napkin. Sebastian’s eyes had met mine, and there was a shift between us toward something more physical. We shared our first kiss against his car before returning to his apartment to watch a movie. It was weak-kneed wonderful.
Our third date was to an art museum in Portland. We’d wandered the halls hand in hand, stopping to kiss. Sebastian snuck nips at my neck, wrapped me in his arms, held me tightly against him. “Hannah Fleming. You’ve got me all tied up in knots,” he’d said against my skin. After, as we walked back to the car, he’d pulled me into a floral shop and bought me as many bouquets of roses as I could hold. When we’d made it back to his car, he’d driven us to a park next to the river where we’d made out like teenagers, surrounded by roses. We talked about our dreams, and I walked in my apartment with him that night feeling as if it had been a dream.
Though this kind of attention can initially seem acceptable in the intensity of a “new relationship”, attempting to identify the giver’s motives is important to ascertain their sincerity. Love bombing can lead to more problematic and abusive behaviors like gaslighting and isolation, and isn’t the only time those in a relationship might experience it. Love bombing can also occur after explosive fights or abusive episodes when the abuser desires to “smooth over” their abuse by using effusive words and actions to manipulate a victim toward “forgiveness.” One of the quickest ways to identify whether you are the victim of Love Bombing is to ask yourself if you feel manipulated.
For example:
Your partner describes you in a manner that is flattering and seems to put you on a pedestal to “worship” you. The words they use might be exactly what you need to hear, speaking to you on a very emotional level.
The Love Bomber in this instance is manipulating the emotional connection with words but also setting up future “isolation” since no one can “live up” to you.
Your partner might offer you high praise and then in the next breath belittle you to “keep it real.”
The Love Bomber isn’t about you or the relationship but rather controlling you via your emotions. This will serve to manipulate and unbalance you, feeding into your insecurities to showcase how dedicated the Love Bomber is to you.
Your partner loves public displays of affection, with social media posts or showing you off because they are so “in love” or so “lucky” to be with you.
This elaborate display for a Love Bomber is the means to present the “perfect” romance giving them the attention they crave rather and building an authentic relationship with you.
Your partner showers you with grandiose gifts. We love receiving gifts, right? These gifts come with price tags.
A Love Bomber will use the gift as a means to showcase their devotion and remind you of what they have done for you. This will make you “feel bad” for all they have done which in turn keeps you locked in the relationship.
Your partner showers you with early “I love yous” and then withdraws the affection without cause.
Remember a Love Bomber is all about manipulating your emotions. Drawing you into an intensely emotional relationship and then “leave you hanging” is a classic means of manipulation.
Perhaps you recognize some of the above signs in your relationship, but you aren’t sure if you’re being manipulated? Here are some questions to ask yourself:
Ask yourself: Am I comfortable with this person’s attention or is it a “bit much”?
Remember that a true Love Bomb is a manipulation tactic. If the attention feels too big and self-serving (for the giver), it probably is. Trust your instincts.
Ask yourself: Am I afraid to confront my partner for fear of their reaction?
Your desire to keep the peace might be more connected to an abusive response by your partner who might berate you, gaslight you, or guilt you.
Ask yourself: Is my partner respecting my boundaries?
A partner who ignores your boundaries isn’t offering mutual respect. For example, perhaps you told your partner you are planning a night out with your friends. Your partner agrees but on the date of the event, begins to use emotional tactics to manipulate you to not go. Or maybe you’re out and your partner shows up to “crash”. These techniques exemplify crossing boundaries.
While I can’t say I know everything about this topic, (I don’t and I’m not a psychologist or therapist which is who I urge you to discuss your experiences with) I wanted to offer some bits I learned in my research. Here are some additional resources to guide you:
Healthy Relationships: Hindsight is 20/20
During my junior year in high school, I went through a breakup with a long-term boyfriend of over a year (which hadn’t been a very healthy relationship and is a story in and of itself). I wasn’t in a very good place emotionally and my confidence was at an all-time low.
I wasn’t in a place to date…
My confidence and sense of self was at an all-time low.
I didn’t share these things with anyone. I think maybe at that time in my life, I was under the impression that I should have it “all together” because I thought the people around me did. I didn’t talk to my parents (because the confusion about dating, relationships, and sexuality weren’t discussed beyond the “religious” lens and often left me feeling guilty and confused). My friends had sort of exploded and we were shrapnel spread out, though not because of anything dramatic but rather the natural drifting on the winds of changing ideologies and exciting, new relationships. Add to it that I was embarrassed; I’d had sex for the first time with that long-term boyfriend, believing that relationship was going to be “forever”, and it was only weeks later he broke up with me.
I was the stereotype.
Sometime later, when a new boy asked me out—a friend—I agreed. I believed he was a nice guy, and I thought getting to know him a bit more was a good thing. He had a ready smile, a nice sense of humor, and was cute. We started hanging out more in the normal ways: spending time at school flirting and laughing, exchanging notes written on notebook paper in the hallway between classes, and talking on the phone (this is before cell phones). We even went out in a group setting several times before finally venturing out on a date between the two of us. I can’t even tell you where it was, but I know we ended up at his house to watch TV. Somehow, during the course of watching TV, we shared our first kiss.
It wasn’t great. There were no fireworks or butterflies. No chemistry at all.
My brain screamed: disengage! I pulled away from him, and because I’d been taught to be a nice girl and to spare another’s feelings, I did my best to extricate myself from the intimate situation with as much grace as I could muster. Only he didn’t read the cues. Instead, he grabbed my hand and put it on his junk; then he proceeded to hold my hand against him to try and force me to give him a hand job.
I said “no”, pulled away, and fled the scene (thankfully, I’d driven) disturbed by the events. Had I missed something? What had I done wrong? Did I make him think that was okay? I thought he was nice! Why had he tried to force me to do something like that?
The next day, I told him I didn’t like him in “that” way and hoped we could remain friends (current me scoffs and rolls her eyes). We didn’t. He was a jerk to me after. Rather than having the ability to see that he had been the one in the wrong—consent, nonexistent—I took his dismissal of me as my failure.
Fast forward to now—and without getting into the bigger issue of consent, sex assault, and the inappropriateness of my self-blame (because these are separate things)—the experience reminds me how important it is to be in a positive headspace as an individual when starting a new relationship. That doesn’t mean, of course, that people don’t bring experiences that hurt them, impact their sense of self, so on and so forth, into a relationship. That’s impossible. It also doesn’t mean that the right person potentially can support our growth through trauma. In this instance, however, I wasn’t in a healthy headspace to walk into a relationship with this immature, young man. My struggle to see my own worth provided me the perfect means to focus on my shortcomings rather than trust my instincts. I’d lost my sense of self, lost all my confidence in what I believed and what I thought I knew. I was grappling with guilt over my own sexuality and was in over my head without the tools necessary to advocate for myself, to be clear about what I deserved and wanted, as well as what kind of treatment to demand from a partner.
Hindsight is 20/20, of course.
Perhaps my hindsight can be your foresight.
If I had access to a time machine and I could go back for a do-over, I wouldn’t have gone out with him in the first place. I would have thanked him for being my friend, but told him I wasn’t in a place to date anyone. The truth was, I didn’t have feelings beyond friendship for him, but I appreciated his attention considering the pain of being dumped and how raw I felt. A horrible combination. Had there been sparks or chemistry (thank goodness there weren’t, I was primed to accept the manipulation of a lovebomb or the eventual unhealthy stance of a possible abuser [not that this young man fit either of these descriptions, nor do I presume this is who he was beyond our failed date]). And, if I had had a mentor to offer advice, I hope they might have told me: Perhaps hold off on dating anyone until you navigate the feelings you're feeling about your ex and you deserve more than what you’re telling yourself.
The sad news is that I didn’t do any of those things, and this experience primed me for several more unhealthy relationships (current me is shaking her head). It’s embarrassing, but I don’t think I’m probably alone. On a positive note, however, if I could help to make the awful cycle stop, I’ll offer these mentorship tips now:
If you’re struggling with a break-up, hold off dating anyone. You need to reconnect to your inner-strength. Allow it to bloom and feed you before dating and sharing it with another.
Don’t allow someone else to determine your self-worth.
Expect more, not less.
Don’t make excuses for your partner, and recognize your feelings are valid.
Speak up. Stand up. Walk away (when the behaviors your partner exhibits are problematic, disrespectful, and/or isolating).
Don’t silence your inner-voice; trust your instincts.
In the new book, The Messy Truth About Love, I get the opportunity to offer a contrast between what’s healthy in a relationship with an unhealthy version of one—a sort of mentor to my fictional characters (LOL). Hannah is two months removed from a relationship when she reconnects with her high-school-crush Seth in The Messy Truth About Love. I’m not sure she follows my six point advice here, but she’s on the mend as she runs into Seth, so we get to witness her grow through it with Seth as one of her mentors. This story had difficult moments to write, but important ideas, nonetheless. Be aware of trigger warnings before you pick it up (which I’ve published here, but there are spoilers). The Messy Truth About Love comes out September 6, and if you’re interested in some deleted scenes, here’s a link.